Pecked to Death by Ducks

PECKED TO DEATH BY DUCKS

- Tim Cahill -



This book has a number of pros and a number of cons. My opinion flip flopped from good to bad as I read through the 300 or so pages. I eventually settled on a Do Not Read...although there were many parts I enjoyed...so it's a very tentative Do Not Read. In other words, I might recommend it to a specific person but not to everyone I know.
The title is what initially drew me in. Pecked to Death by Ducks - that sounds funny. I noticed a comment on the cover comparing Cahill's writing to Anthony Bourdain and P.J. O'Rourke. Great, I was in the mood for a snarky, wit filled, pithy travel log. The book's prologue is an explanation of the title where Cahill suggests he has a great sense of humour and that is why his books have such funny titles. Great, a humour book..or in this case, my first expectation shot down.
The first chapter is intense. Very well written, not in a funny way, but in a shocking way that pulls you right in. Cahill describes a trip to Kuwait post Iraq war. Dead bodies, eerily quiet abandoned beachside resorts, and the flaming hells of the oil fires. It's a scene out of the apocalypse. What a great start to the book. A five star rating...but, that chapter soon ended and the book never made it back to that level.
Many many more stories followed. From quick snippets of Cahill's trips to strange and exotic South Pacific islands to mundane accounts of his local travels through Montana. A handful of his travel accounts were interesting, but, the majority were mediocre and bland. Perhaps it was because I don't rock climb or take part in 'rope work' (there were more than a few chapters dealing with his mountain climbing or cave dropping) that I lost interest rather quickly.
The humour and wit that was advertised on the book's cover was non existent from what I could tell. The few attempts at sarcasm, witty references, or jokes fell flat (like my souffles or Flat Stanley). I was very disappointed because my expectation was for a funny travel journal.

RATING: Do Not Read

I have started a new reading challenge for the months of July and August. I call it the dewey decimal countdown. I'm reading a book from the 900 section, then a book from the 800 section, and so on. This was my 900 choice. 900 consists of History, Geography, and Travel...so, kind of a tough section to start off. I have a feeling my 800 choice will actually be hilarious. 800's include Literature. And, for some reason Red Green falls under the literature section?

RELICS - Star Trek

RELICS

- Michael Jan Friedman -



Haven't you always wondered what would happen if a member of the original Star Trek series was thrown ahead a century and put into the TNG series? Unless you are a trekkie/trekster who spends hours contemplating time warped Star Trek scenarios, which I'm sure happens more than one thinks, you probably have not taken the time. Luckily Michael Jan Friedman has done it for you - and done it well.

The story general story goes a little something like this. Scotty, the chief engineer from the original Star Trek, is stuck in a time loop for 75 years. He is rescued by the TNG Star Trek Enterprise (Enterprise - D to be precise). He feels a little out of place, useless, and old. The story delves into these themes in a number of ways and eventually Scotty uses some of his 'old' knowledge to save the day and the ship and all of its crew. He feels much better about himself and his situation and we are left with him sailing into the sunset bound for more galactic adventures.

So, your typical Star Trek plot. Happily ever after.

There were lots of high points that I could point out, but, if I did I may ruin the surprises for you. I will say that Friedman makes Scotty out to be this MacGyver type inventor who can make a ship run warp 9 with a cue tip, some gum, and a can of Red Bull!

The really dorky, yet interesting, thing about this book is the contrasting of the old (Original series) and the new (TNG) played out through Scotty and Laforge. There are so many situations were they act completely different because of technology changes. Then there is the non work related behaviour. For eg. Alcohol. Scotty enjoys a nice bottle of scotch quite a bit, while only synthocol (replicated alcohol without the effects) is what is served in TNG times. Scotty also says questionable things to the ladies on the ship...apparently cat calling and constant borderline sexual harassment was acceptable in the original series?

The overall storyline is a classic. Ship runs into a cosmic anomaly. They get sucked into a dangerous situation where the ship is in danger of crashing or blowing to pieces. There is a power outage on the ship and they cannot get away. Someone has to come up with an ingenious idea to save everyone. I don't know how they do it, but, I swear I've seen this scenario played out hundreds of times...it seems like every second episode is like this...but, this one felt fresh and exciting. Another adventure I liked getting transported into.

RATING: READ

HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE TALES FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

Highly Inappropriate Tales for Young People

- Douglas Coupland -



7 incredibly crude and disturbing tales reminiscent of kids fairy tales but with a modern twist.

I'm sure you've made a comment on how violent and frightening classic fairy tales are. Like those curious kids, Hansel and Gretel, finding a nice candy house only to be thrown in an oven. Or, Little red riding hood, who is hoodwinked by a hungry wolf whose head is eventually chopped off. Right, for some reason these were deemed appropriate for children. Well, the stories in this book are along the same lines but deal with minivans, action figures, and juice boxes instead of witches and wolves. And, as with all modern things sensitivity prevails, hence the title 'inappropriate tales for young people'. Now for adults it's an entirely different story.

These seven tales are a hilarious take on the lives of modern kids. I heard an interview with the author and he commented on how kid's lives nowadays are filled with so much stuff - iphones, juice boxes, toys, toys, toys...then his mind started working, in the strange way his mind works, and he came up with the idea of 'what if these things came alive and turned evil?" Well, this is what would happen.

There is tale of a juice box who's aim in life it to destroy other juice boxes. He punctures their frail tinfoil holes with things. He tricks them into being run over by cars, exploding their insides onto the parking lot. His destructive impulses increase and he takes off into the streets, burning fast food containers on the way.

There is a tale of a terrible babysitter who makes kids shoplift, burn houses down, and walk through cemeteries late at night.

Another extremely violent tale was about a disturbed action figure. He seemed to suffer from PTSD and is living on the streets. A boy stumbles upon him on day and takes him home. The action figure feels trapped in this situation and needs to break out, and take revenge on his kidnapper. The violence brought down on this boy from a tiny plastic action figure is frightening...and slightly disturbing that someone would think about it!

My favourite was 'Kevin, the hobo minivan with extremely low morals'. It hit close to home. We have a minivan, and I cannot imagine it being a low life character who shakes down children and seniors for loose change to feed its addictions.

Overall, the stories were very imaginative and funny. A nice satire of children's fairy tales with modern gadgets and slang thrown in. I did laugh to myself countless times while reading as well as think 'wtf', by the strange twists or outright disturbing violence. It is definitely not a book to read to children right before bed. Perhaps if they are sixteen and the power is out and nobody wants to play monopoly, it would work then.

RATING: READ

MORT

MORT

-Terry Pratchett-

Mort is a simple country bumpkin who has reached the age where he should find a career. Lucky for him he is chosen for an apprenticeship. Unfortunately, it's with Death.

Without saying, this book is full of dark humour, mostly surrounding Death. It's a light hearted, yet deep view, of Death's job. About how Death feels about his job. About how Death has a mid life career crisis and goes off looking for something different. There are a few side stories, the apprentice learning the ropes of the death trade, Death's daughter falling in love with the new apprentice, and a strangely non comical story about destiny.

I really enjoyed the idea of Death getting sick of going out night after night collecting souls and wanting to try something new. I could relate to Death's job search and his lack of 'real skills' forcing him into a job flipping burgers. It's actually kind of scary being able to relate to Death!?

Pratchett's writing was again brimming with humour, he really knows how to turn a phrase, a paragraph, a page, a chapter, two chapters...it's funny is what I mean to say.

I also thought this book had a bit more substance than the previous ones I've read, like there was a point in it. That point : you can't screw with destiny. When you are going to die, you are going to die, you cannot change that. You just have to accept it and move on, or reincarnate, or something?

If you have enjoyed other Pratchett books, you'll enjoy this one.

RATING: READ

THE GLASS CASTLE

The Glass Castle

- Jeannette Walls -



This was the kind of story that makes you want to run out to the grocery store and buy one, maybe two, tons of food and drive it down to the food bank. Or better yet, to a school breakfast program. Or even better, search out and find a dysfunctional family in dire need and make them take it! Make them, for the love of their kids souls!

This novel brought up a few very heavy topics; child neglect, alcohol abuse, extreme poverty, violence, 'perverts', gambling, prejudice, homelessness...ok, more than a few topics. Well, other than abortion and child soldiers this book covers a huge gambit of sad, hard, frightening experiences. Although saying this I left the book with a feel good feeling and an appreciation for the easy life I've lived.

What I found amazing was the writing. Even through all the tough subject I've mentioned you never get the feeling that Walls is looking for pity. If never felt like she was whining and griping but just telling it like it is, or was. The writing is so personal yet it draws you right into her gritty life, even though most of these things you'd never experience, you can almost picture it like you are there...which made me feel a bit uncomfortable at times, which is a sign of a great book. An amazing book.

What I found amazing was how Walls perceived the, obvious now, child neglect and poverty as 'normal'. Since that was the only life she knew it makes complete sense. It was also shocking how her parents encouraged this perception by reinforcing how better their life was than other families. How their life was an adventure!

The adventure consists of an unsettled life where they would move towns in a moments notice. Where they had to live in their car at times. When you never knew if there would be food tomorrow. But, they sure got to travel around, see the country...even if they fell out of the car sometimes, and their Dad was driving drunk with beer bottles in his lap. This true story is so outrageous it sounds like fiction. But, when you stop to think that it is not, everything is true, that's when the shock settles in.

There are not all bad times. The parents are very interesting and charismatic people who just happen to have checked out of society. They do a great job at homeschooling the children and encouraging imaginative and creative children. The Dad is a star in Jeannette's life whom she looks upto and adores, never seeing his faults until much later in life. He tells wonderful stories and makes grand plans for the family. But, he never seem to follow through on anything.

The novel gives you a peek at a slice of society which I'm sure exists more than we know, a look into terrible poverty and those who just don't buy into civilization as a majority of us live it. It is a definite eye opener. A book that I've put on a list of books to read before you die. I would not be far from saying this should be mandatory reading in school to bring awareness and compassion for those living poverty stricken lives.

RATING: READ

SHATNER RULES

SHATNER RULES

Your Key to Understanding the SHATNERVERSE and the world at large

- William Shatner -

Make sure you do not ever yell, 'beam me up Scotty' to Shatner, if for some reason you see him in real life. Why? Because, he will tell you to F*** off!
Yes, just one of the many interesting tidbits of info Shatner reveals in his book Shatner Rules.
Somehow, Shatner's arrogant, crass, egotistical writing comes across as endearing. Why? Because, he reveals just enough of his 'real' personality to let you know it's all an act. He has created this 'William Shatner' persona that he 'plays' while doing interviews, attending conferences, or being roasted on Comedy Central. Bill, his real person, is much humbler and laid back with a focus on friends and family. Just another interesting thing that is revealed in this book.
Shatner rules is a hilarious, very very witty book outlining Shatner's philosophy on the success of his career. He calls it a memoir. I call it a laugh along satire of a self-help-life-consultant-autobiographical-career-building book WITH a bunch of Star Trek references peppering the pages.
Along with the Star Trek jokes, there are odd life stories such as the time Shatner sold his kidney stones for $75,000 - the money went to charity (ahh, how nice). There are tales of his music career; from trippy hippy ballads in the late 60's to his heavy metal scream fests he recorded at the ripe old age of 70 something! His vast and varied life and career experiences are made up a series of strange happenings. He attributes this all back to his number one rule - say 'yes'! Yes, opens doors which lead to more doors, with lead to more doors, an underground tunnel, a bridge, a window, etc...in other words, one thing leads to another and soon you find yourself headlining Sci-fi conventions, award ceremonies, TV shows, Records...
That's a rundown of the narrative. Now, what makes this book entertaining to read is the tone and attitude Bill puts into each page. It is chock full of jabs at those who mock him, especially his Star Trek career, and he totally takes ownership of those jokes. He mocks the mockers. It is hilarious, 'nuff said. Along with this mockery of the mockers, is a consistent joke about the William Shatner Brand where he encourages you to YouTube him doing this or that, or buy an audio version of his book (with his voice over), or just becoming another one of his multi million followers on Twitter.
Then there is the chapter on technology. I love when 'old' people talk tech. Apparently Shatner had a facebook account which was deleted because it was thought to be a fraud. Ouch. So, Shatner went to the Twittersphere and worked his magic there. I haven't checked out his account yet, but, I'm sure it's very good. And, good on him for going on the internet at such a ripe age.
You do not have to be a Star Trek fan to like this book, you just have to like a good sarcastic wit...and piles of egotistical references to The Universe According To Shatner.

This is the second Shatner book I've read and the difference is like night and day, human and Klingon, Warp speed and Mach 1...the last book was a serious Star Trek novel, this one (an equally fantasy filled adventure) a funny memoir. Both were excellent. Proving my point that Shatner is a good writer. He seems to do everything good. In some people's eyes he is a god...I wouldn't go that far, but, possibly admit I would seek his help as a life guide (I think Opera uses life guides or counsellors or something just as ridiculous).
Oh, and apparently he charges $75 for an autograph and a maximum ten second 'chat' at those Star Trek conventions.

RATING: READ READ READ

TOUGH GUY

TOUGH GUY!

- Bob Probert -

I know Bob Probert, not in the literary sense, but in the hockey world. He was big when I was a pre-teen  and followed hockey religiously, even the fighting side. Bob Probert was the ultimate enforcer of the time. Which is why I was a bit surprised to see his name on this book, as the author. Then I saw the fine print, with help from Kristie McLelland Day. Then I though, what kind of story would Bob have to tell. A few fisticuffs tales? Then I remembered, the off ice antics; the suspensions for drugs, the car accidents...maybe there was a bit more of a story here? And, with all the hype recently about the problems these enforcers face (drugs, suicide, brain damage, etc) I thought I'd give the book a try.
Tough Guy was tough - a tough read. The way the book is written feels like a direct transcript from an interview Bob is giving. I'll remind you, Bob was a high school drop out who made his NHL career by punching people out and getting a few whacks to the head himself (every few days for a decade!), hence, the narrative was a little unfocused at times. However, the overall story made up for it.
The book is a chronological account of Bob's life focusing on his hockey career. It starts out sounding like a typical hockey star's beginning - success in the early years, drafted into a junior club, drafted by an NHL team. There was not much difference with Bob, only he was always bigger than the other kids and used his long arms to his advantage in a fight. That, along with some good hands (he put up some pretty good points) made him catch the scout's eye.
Off ice, he was not as successful in school, and liked to party...a lot. He dropped out of high school, not that he attended much anyway, and spent his time playing hockey and drinking with buddies. That's pretty much how he spends the next twenty years of his life.
The main chunk of the book are stories of incidents Bob has with drugs and drinking. Things like, car accidents while drunk driving, the use of drugs, the suspensions from hockey for drug use, the countless rehab visits, and a few of the sober moments. The hockey stories take a backseat. He recounts the many players he was teammates with (mostly the ones he partied with), the successes he had in the peak years, and a few of the more interesting fights he had.
He ends it with the last part of his life, where he has sobered up and put time and effort into his family.

It was like a journey back to the 'glory years' for both Bob and me. He played at a time where I knew all the players. So, his name dropping was like candy to me - Yzerman, Gilmour, Gretzky, Federov...
The game has changed dramatically since then. Fighting is not as encouraged now as it used to be. Drug use now is almost unheard of and those that do get some major 'help'. Probert comments on the players now, how they are so much faster and bigger. There would be little chance of someone with mediocre talent, even with some big fists, to make it into the league today. It was interesting to get a behind the scenes look into this game...I wonder if they still party as hard now as they used to.

Rating: Read

THE PORTABLE DOOR

The Portable Door

- Tom Holt -

I've never read a Tom Holt before, but, I after reading this one I would try another.
This one had an interesting mix of office humour, fantasy, light hearted romance...a mixed bag you might say? The highlights include a door, a stapler, piles of spreadsheets, and sexually aggressive goblins.
I have a feeling I've lost a few of you already.
The overall story is vast. Very vast. It starts out with Paul attempting to get a job as a clerk at some 'business' called Wells & Co. He doesn't really want the job, but, applies anyway. The opening scene of the waiting room and the job interview were hilarious. Being in a corporate job environment myself I could relate easily to the whole process and all of the small office jokes. Against all odds, Paul gets the job. The office jokes continue, but, with decreasing flare. A strong story cocktail of romance and mystery soon take over the book. It is still light and at some points very humorous, but, I found the atmosphere got a bit more serious. Which was fine because the story was interesting. The mystery was trying to figure out what exactly this company does. The romantic plot involved Paul and another new trainee who is hired at the same time. It's ok, and doesn't take over the book, which suits me fine. The two story lines play off one another great, allowing the reading to get deeper into the mystery of this company.
Then all of the sudden the story turns wacky. It goes from 'normal' office life to a fantasy realm full of magic and goblins in a matter of a few pages. The story continues building in the fantasy theme, which explains much of the previous mystery surrounding the business, and gets even deeper. The next few hundred pages open up a fantastic new story with the portable door (as per the novel's title), the sexually aggresive goblin (as I mentioned earlier), and the stapler.
The dramatic change in story, setting, and plot were done without a hitch. I have to say Holt appears to be a wizard at merging reality with fantasy. I've read a few other books that have attempted to do this - take a 'real life' setting and input fantasy, but, try to keep it grounded in reality. It rarely works well. In The Portable Door I did find the characters to be kind of, um, unbelievable in their ignorance. There was clue after clue pointing towards the fantasy side of the story, but, the characters were just not putting it together! They kept ignoring the obvious...past a point where it seemed believable. At least to me. However, overall it was well done.

Rating: Read

*For all those Trekkies, there are Star Trek jokes in there.

Murder On The Orient Express

MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS

- Agatha Christie -

What a nice mystery.
I've heard this book (and mystery sub-genre...yes, there are many of them) referred to as a 'cozy' mystery. Ah, a nice, gentle, fuzzy, cozy little mystery you read whilsts sipping earl grey tea in an overly stuffed wingbacked chair with a patchwork afghan on your lap. That does not sound manly to me...Although I may have been drinking tea while reading this, it was strong with no sugar or milk, I would never be caught reading a 'cozy' mystery in a plush wingback! No sir!
Therefore, I'm calling this book a 'classic' mystery.
Going through all this effort shows how much I enjoyed this book. Because I would like to chat with others about it and I need a manly way of describing it. I cannot go around saying I like cozy little mysteries...I've had a similar problem talking about my chick-lit secret. We won't go there right now.
What I liked about this book was how simple it was. I've found the modern mysteries I've read in the past few years are full of horrific detailed murders, overly scientific explanations (relying on DNA etc), and hard crude detectives. Murder on the Orient express had a murder, a twelve hole stabbing, but it seemed almost quaint the way it was briefly described. The clues were also simple; a handkerchief, a few matches, part of a burnt letter...isn't that cute? The detective, H. Poirot, was a logical, unemotional, smart guy...not a hard drinking detective with a chip on his shoulder. All these things made for a really easy and enjoyable read. Cozy, if you must.
The story is pretty contrived, a train carriage stuck in the snow in the middle of nowhere so nobody can get away. All of the passengers are potential suspects. This takes away any real 'action', there are no gun fights or chases down dark alleys. Mostly it's Poirot sitting in the dining car questioning everyone. Even though that sounds mindnumbingly boring it's not. There are enough clues given away that it keeps you mind working. You find yourself trying to piece together everything, but, lacking that one thing that ties it all together. Well, in the CLASSIC manner, that one essential clue is given right at the end by Poirot.
I won't give away the exact ending, I will say I was surprised by Poirot's reaction. He solves the case, then let's the criminal (or criminals) get away. It was like he was treating the entire investigation as a game, or an entertaining distraction while stuck in the snow bank?
I did like Poirot as a character. I would read another mystery with him as the detective.

Rating: Read

THE ASHES OF EDEN

The Ashes of Eden

- William Shatner -

Shatner seems to be great at everything eh? A famous actor, apparently a musician, a producer, and (I'll attest to this) a decent writer. Oh, those crazy Canadians.
I took this book out of the library, mostly because I was looking for an easy read and Star Trek books usually meet that requirement. I'd compare them to the Western or the Harlequin Romance of the Sci-Fi section. This book seemed no different from the rest of this niche genre when I started it, you had what looked like a fairly straight forward Star Trek plot. By that, I mean Kirk falls for a breathtakingly beautiful alien being (in a tight jumpsuit), he almost gets killed yet manages to take on a couple of much stronger beings with lasers, then accepts a near impossible mission. Doesn't seem that hard to write eh?
But, there are a few twists which Shatner works into the book to create some wonderful mystery and suspense. You think it's a going to be one of those standard template stories where you know who is the enemy, who is going to die, what the mission is, and therefore, how it's going to end. Well, don't count on those things in this book.
The first deviation in this book is the initial setting. It's placed at a time when the original crew (Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, etc) are getting to retirement age. Kirk is not an active captain, not working on a ship, not doing anything worthwhile which makes him feel useless. He's depressed, even slightly desperate, and looking for an out. Being the famous Capt Kirk, trouble comes looking for him. When offered a chance to live an everlasting life with a hottie alien he jumps on board...the Enterprise.
Yes, I said, Enterprise! It's been recommissioned with the help of the new love of Kirk's life.
On the other side, a thorn in Kirk's side (some rival from the early days) is promoted to Admiral in charge of all Star Fleet. Of course, this rival has been planning on taking out Kirk for about thirty years, so, when his chance comes he goes for Kirk - his reputation, his former crew, and his life.
Loyalties are tested, motivations are questioned, the fate of the Federation is at stake...so, again, your typical Star Trek plot.
I'll leave out the ending, but, you can probably guess Kirk prevails.

I was not a big fan of the original Star Trek, I've only watched a handful of episodes. I was more of a TNG and Voyageur fan. But, the writing of this book was so good I did not feel I was grasping for character recognition. I got the gist of who Bones was or Chenkov, even though I don't know them as well as a Riker or a Worf. Shatner surprised me in how well the story flowed, how well the words flowed. There was no awkward phrasing or anything glaring bad writer.

Rating: Read

*Today on the radio there was a story about a comic book convention. Shatner was to appear and give autographs. The catch - fans had to pay $75 for the privilege of a ten second conversation and a signed photo! The impress factor dipped drastically after hearing that!